Paralysing Expectations

I was one of the girls who's parents told her that she could be anything in life, that she could do anything she wanted with her life, that the world was her oyster.

I was one of the girls who believed her parents growing up. It was a healthy message, filled with promise: if there was something in life I wanted, I had to work hard in order to achieve/acquire it. I still believe this to be true. In some sense, the belief that my intelligence, work ethic, personality and education would combine with the modern view of the woman today and the global village, makes this quite plausible. However, for me, this meant expectation.

I'm not going to be melodramatic and blame my parents for expecting too much of me and ruining me forevermore. It simply wasn't the case. I was expected to try, try, try. And that's really all.

The expectation was of myself. I can be anything, I can do anything and therefore I should! The difficulty is...what exactly am I meant to be doing. I've read a few articles in the recent months about how this might be a generational issue. The expectation to be able to grab life by the horns and ride it until you're completely and utterly dead creates a lot of pressure to do just that. But where to start?

The adventure requires money, money comes from a job, a job requires an education, an education requires decision. Ah huh. The crux of the matter. Decision.

The modern woman can be dedicated to her career.
The modern woman can choose to be a domestic goddess.
The modern woman should enjoy life and seize the moment.
The modern woman can do triathlons, marathons, half marathons, spinning classes 3 times a week oh and yoga. (lest we forget the ever increasing mania over yoga and Pilates)
The modern woman loves her body, her mind and her self.
The modern woman is ambitious in her life's goals.
The modern woman is educated, financially secure, and socially apt.
The modern woman should be successful because she can.

Hm. Obviously there could be paragraphs written for each statement above, but the tip of the iceberg seems pretty large to me. It would seem that a modern woman, with the advantages of freedom of speech, freedom to vote, freedom of education, and social freedoms should somehow juggle every aspect of life, successfully.

Now some are quite content to focus on career. Others are happy to give Martha Stewart a run for her money. This woman wants it all. Is that so wrong?

I want a career, not a job. I want to further my education and continually learn. I want a well put together, modern, clean home that we can enjoy spending time in. I want two healthy children, that are emotionally and physically provided for. I want to be fit, healthy and toned (oh I want to be toned). I want a PB for my half marathon. I want to make more friends. I want to have fun with  my friends. I want to be able to afford to go on holiday with my husband. I want to be a good partner for my husband and a mini-Martha. I want to be able to cook an excellent roast. I want to throw together a baked dish with the ingredients that I have in the kitchen. I want to be financially able to support my family, save for my children's education, pay for house maintenance and updates, drive a nice car (yes, I do like nice cars), save for my retirement and go on holiday once a year. I want to please God with my actions and my intentions. I want to spend more time getting to know God. I want to be an expert at training my dog. I want to be able to install my own t.v. I want to be funny and witty. I want to be successful but easy-going. Is that asking too much?

Its laughable really. The idea of being everything to everyone, the notion of having it all. And yet, I cannot let it go. I feel the expectation to be all those things coursing through my veins.

And it paralyses me. Most days I can't decide what type of lettuce to buy. Spinach is high in iron and fibre, but romaine is fresher and better suited to sandwiches. Baby lettuce is nice and flavourful but goes off too quickly. I struggle to decide what to eat for dinner. I am a NIGHTMARE to take to a restaurant. Just ask my husband, or my sister-in-law, or my brother for that matter. I cannot decide on a menu item because I want little bits of most dishes. (PLEASE  do not comment on this blog advising me to attend a buffet...its not the point).

This paralysis extends to the decisions about our lives. Do I focus on a career, study university part time, start having children, focus on savings, go on a holiday while we have no children etc etc. My mother (bless her) sees a bit of this in me and offers advice along the lines of "prioritise". The problem. I think I can be everything. I really, in my deepest bone marrow, believe it. So there are no priorities, only a timeline.

I hope that others in this generation who face the same struggle have found some solice in their own solutions. My solution remains a flexible timeline that will allow me to fulfill these expectations in intervals. And may God bless me with time!