A Divorce

Someone I know has just decided to file for a divorce. The couple has been together for 20 years and have accumulated all the usual things one would expect from half a lifetime together. Home, assets, children, memories et al. He is angry, defensive. She is disengaged. I have a loose connection to this couple. But this decision still saddened me. It raised questions about the divorce statistic so often mentioned in editorials and news articles. What lies in the decision to get a divorce? Are the common complaints of

He doesn't listen to me
She isn't interested in making an effort
He doesn't make me feel special
She's only ever interested in the kids
He's always at work
I feel invisible

                                                                                                                                                   true?

Can one person cause a relationship to completely break down? Surely the problem is created before the symptoms are presented? I confess my naivety, however, I simply cannot accept that the responsibility for success is not shared equally. A fair split. 50-50. Label at your leisure.

And with this naive, though firm belief, I think and worry over my brand new marriage. I worry that divorce is...inevitable. Two people, from two different backgrounds, two different personalities and experiences and views on life, coming together to start a new life. The kinks get worked out in the process. However, people change. We mature, we gain wisdom (hopefully), we change our dreams as we achieve our goals, we require different things from our partners as we go through life. Our partners, going through their own journey, may or may not be travelling at the same speed. They may not be maturing at the same rate, they may not find wisdom in those things that give us wisdom. They may find joy and excitement in things previously unexplored while we steadfastly pursue the 3,5, & 10 year plan.

And so, the question hangs, foggy and uncertain. Is it inevitable? Having a life long, successful marriage seems akin to winning the lottery. It happens, to be sure, but so rarely. It'd be foolish to assume that we too will win.

I pray, I talk (a lot), I make him talk (as much as possible) and I think (too much). I value what we have, I analyse it, I give thanks, and I hold loosely the fear. The fear of losing a relationship in the way so many others have done. I'm not fear mongering, I'm not over analysing and I'm not seeking out anxiety or drama.

The fear of divorce and late-adulthood loneliness is a valid one. I come from a family of divorcees. Not just my folks. My grandparents, my aunts and uncles too. Once, twice over. Wonderful people who just couldn't make it work. Wouldn't make it work? Its debatable. As the younger generation I really cannot make a judgement as I have never been privy to the details. It does make me aware of the way that people grow apart, the way that people put themselves first, the way that children's needs come before those of husbands, the way that discontent creeps in, settles itself and lies in wait until it can be joined by mistrust, boredom, selfishness etc.

So....what can be done in the face of certain unhappiness? I think the appropriate response is "damned if I know", but ironically it'd be a blessing to know. So there isn't much to do about the fear but acknowledge it and keep it at bay by being attentive, sensitive, open, passionate and humble. And I can thank God for keeping me humble. A double edged sword to be true, but what peace I gain from knowing that someone always has my back. Even when I don't know that I need backing.