I have been told of late to prioritise my life, to take a stand and recognise that as a married woman, my life, my priorities and my energy should be focused on my relationship with my husband. I wholeheartedly believe in the truth that a couple not focused on one another will have greater difficulty in their relationship than a couple growing together, working together and connecting with each other.
However, are the two mutually exclusive?
I had thought not. I had thought that I could love and laugh and work alongside my husband, while dividing my energy and emotion where else it was needed. Surely, this is what mothers do? This is what women are required to do regardless of their esteem or history? My brain goes into overtime on this one - convincing me that either:
a)all women do manage this and therefore it is an expectation of which I am not exempt or
b)not all women can do this and therefore there is an expectation that I do what only a select few manage
- which really is quite an unfair argument to have oneself.
I deliberate to frustration, headache and tears. And then I decide not to decide as inaction seems the safest choice.
Tamsin - a woman of inaction! Not something that would normally be said by those who know me. I suppose, I am waiting for the third option. The option that others haven't yet discovered. The option that will solve my dilemma, relieve my headache and allow me to act without feeling guilt or anxiety.
Before you comment on the futility of this indecision, rest assured that I do not really intend to stay on this position. I know that I need to make a choice. Take a stand - as they say. And hope and pray to God for His mercy that its the right decision. And pray to God for peace knowing that these days were laid out before I knew they would take place.
And while I wait for peace and hope and the salvation of a last-minute third option, I bake. Homemade pies, homemade pie pastry (!) and filling. Now that will assuredly exorcise some of my emotional demons. The concentration involved in creating pie, kneading, chilling, working without over-working, rolling, shaping...you get the idea. I might even take a photo when it's done.