Wednesday, 24 October 2012

The Lessons Don't End

I've had a crazy year of learning. That's a lie. We are always learning. But I feel like I've had 4 years of  intense, heart wrenching, wrinkle-inducing, grow-up-girl learning since leaving Canada and fleeing to the UK, the most literal application of escapism. I've had lessons on the cost of escaping, on the value of friendship and family, the growing up that comes from being alone and lonely - which are not incidentally the same thing.

I've learnt on forgiving, moving forward, covering scars, forgiving again, and again.
I've learnt to take chances, to plan what can be planned and pray and hope on the rest.
I've learnt that I'm so very often wrong, and that being wrong isn't bad. It just is.
I've learnt that I need to forge out my own individual relationship with God. One that is mine, authentic and not based on looking the same as others relationships with God.
I've learnt that God loves me, every moment of every day, despite my scars, poor attitude, fearful heart, and ever-ever failing faith.

This may seem like a simple thing, but reaching a point of knowing in your heart that you are truly and wholly loved, is quite something.

I've learnt about boundaries in relationships (which are far more important than I thought previously). I've learnt to love when I'm not loved, to accept help, to ask for help, to seek forgiveness and reconciliation and that saying sorry, doesn't make everything alright. In the adult world, there are consequences and sometimes when we make mistakes, our consequences can follow us for years.

And I really thought, silly me, that we were coming into a time of love and laughter and a bit of rest. But the rain falls on the righteous and the wicked, and we are just two people in a fallen world, figuring life out, one day at a time. So we have love and laughter, but I do not have rest. A blessing, to be sure, if I go to God for my rest and peace. Which I do not.

I've been thinking on this blog for a week now. I don't rightly remember how I stumbled upon it, but her raw confessions and unbalanced, seeking balance approach to life has just, embedded itself on my heart. I feel that I am just on the brink of some really tough spiritual lessons, another bout of "grow-up-girl" learning. My life as a follower of God, not just a person. My role as a daughter, sister (& in-law), wife and a future mother, my priorities, and my selfish selfish heart are about to be tested. My views are about to change. My lessons are going to increase. The first seems to be centred on fear. It's something that has always been a struggle for me, and something that I need to keep in check on a daily basis to prevent it from overwhelming me. The other will be on hope, where I place it and why it should be solely placed in God.

What now? Spend more time reading Scripture. Spend more time in daily conversation with God. Spend more time learning about what His love looks like, so that I can love others more fully. And then pray for peace and hope and faith. To let go. 

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