I have been told of late to prioritise my life, to take a stand and recognise that as a married woman, my life, my priorities and my energy should be focused on my relationship with my husband. I wholeheartedly believe in the truth that a couple not focused on one another will have greater difficulty in their relationship than a couple growing together, working together and connecting with each other.
However, are the two mutually exclusive?
I had thought not. I had thought that I could love and laugh and work alongside my husband, while dividing my energy and emotion where else it was needed. Surely, this is what mothers do? This is what women are required to do regardless of their esteem or history? My brain goes into overtime on this one - convincing me that either:
a)all women do manage this and therefore it is an expectation of which I am not exempt or
b)not all women can do this and therefore there is an expectation that I do what only a select few manage
- which really is quite an unfair argument to have oneself.
I deliberate to frustration, headache and tears. And then I decide not to decide as inaction seems the safest choice.
Tamsin - a woman of inaction! Not something that would normally be said by those who know me. I suppose, I am waiting for the third option. The option that others haven't yet discovered. The option that will solve my dilemma, relieve my headache and allow me to act without feeling guilt or anxiety.
Before you comment on the futility of this indecision, rest assured that I do not really intend to stay on this position. I know that I need to make a choice. Take a stand - as they say. And hope and pray to God for His mercy that its the right decision. And pray to God for peace knowing that these days were laid out before I knew they would take place.
And while I wait for peace and hope and the salvation of a last-minute third option, I bake. Homemade pies, homemade pie pastry (!) and filling. Now that will assuredly exorcise some of my emotional demons. The concentration involved in creating pie, kneading, chilling, working without over-working, rolling, shaping...you get the idea. I might even take a photo when it's done.
Good point on the expectations of motherhood. Perhaps this is why so many marriages fall apart or at least go through a dry spell maritally? I realized this after Jude - yes. My children are physically dependent on me for awhile, but my husband still needs to come first. It just looks different than it did before kids. I still need to prioritize our relationship or else it just coasts to merely cohabitating with a good guy that I used to love.
ReplyDeleteSo I think that depending on the circumstance or life phase you're in, the priority of marriage needs to show in actual, tangible ways. It just may not look the same as it did before or for someone else in a different phase of life.
And please, please, please post pictures of said pie.
PS How was Borealis Grille?
Hey V - Borealis was pretty good. Had a burger (what else is new). It was quiet and the OJ was from concentrate, but their sweet tater fries were SO FREAKING GOOD. :) Pleasant aft all round. And yes, I think you may have provided me with the 3rd option I was waiting for. It doesn't have to be one over the other. It needs to be one, but sometimes it looks a bit different. Good call on that. Good wisdom. (again, what else is new!) xo
DeleteGlad you enjoyed Borealis!
DeleteLove you.
Well Tamsin, when I think back over the years and ponder my successes and failures I realize that the old “everything in moderation” cliché holds much truth.It sounds like you’ve grasped the fundamental idea that your spouse should be your priority, but that does not mean that you have to neglect all else, and that you cannot on occasion divide your emotions and energy if needed, while honouring and loving your husband.
ReplyDeleteThere will be times in your life when you have to give something a little more attention than your husband, for example a sick child, an ailing and lonely parent / parent-in-law and so on and provided that you maintain a balance and that you and your husband are of one mind about whatever it is that is demanding your attention at the time, there should not be a problem. Since you’re a young woman, look around at the generation before yours where divorce is rampant, and I’m sure you’ll notice that the common thing that has kept couples together is deep rooted respect for one another.
Emotions are not like a pie, that once divided and eaten, is finished.
Keep building on those foundations of a healthy marriage, and keep baking and all will be well.
Abby
Hey Abby! Thanks so much for your encouraging reply. SImilarly to my bestest of friends Vanessa, you seem to have an excellent grasp on this 3rd option that eluded me. It looks different and even in giving of yourself to others, if we're committed together in why I'm doing it, and if we keep communicating during the process to make sure it remains within moderation, we should do well. I'll have to have a chat with my husband to discuss our other option. I'm hoping he'll be relieved!
DeleteThe old chicken and egg dilemma. Do not fall into the logical trap of assuming you can fix a dilemma by finding a bridge between the two. Nope. It will sound good for a while, but soon reality will position your butt squarely on both those sharp horns again. You said it your self. You are afraid to choose, just in case you get it wrong - well kinda. May I suggest a little mental exercise, which would assist you in making that choice - bearing in mind you could change it later on if the situation starts gagging for it to change? Start by asking the right questions: "If my husband and I do not focus on each other, which most-important part of our life together would not be able to exist? (Remember to get your husband to participate in this exercise. It's his life too after all.) Agree on a SINGLE answer, and write it down in less than 5 words. Only 5 words? Yup! Next, go through the same process again, only asking the following question instead: "If we do not grow together, work together, and connect, which most-important part of our joint life would not be able exist?" Agree on a SINGLE answer again and write it down in less than 5 words. Do not force the answers into a pigeon hole. If the values of answers are "peanuts without nuts" or "our special icy water", then let it be so. If you do not mind, please post the answers here, and I'd like the opportunity to apply some scientific principles to it and suggest to you what you have really decided without actually deciding it at all. It is a wonderfully-easy exercise for both of you to do, especially when it edifies both of you. Could be your loyal blog followers would also learn a useful skill from it.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like so much effort! :) It also involves asking my husband to further analyse and communicate and though he's very good at being "on board", I do think he's spending more time being introspective now that he's with me than he has in all his years prior! I'll keep this one though and revisit it at another time!
DeleteAh! Okay then. Dilemma solved.
ReplyDelete"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming?
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up."
Patrick Murra
how succinct! i like! :D
Delete