What lies beneath the surface

I thank heaven that we are made up of multiple layers. It's a spectacular way to delve into what is our very essence while allowing us to focus on the other traits and quirks that require maintenance. It means that I can be myself, while constantly working on being better and different. Which is something I really should be doing at this exact moment, rather than blogging about how fortunate I am to be able to do it. 

For at this exact moment, my very essence is filled with gratitude and hope and a bit of anxiety. But the other parts of me are simultaneously seething, stressing, self-loathing, and generally being plain old miserable. Yet on the surface, you'd think I was taking these days and changes in my stride. And that is because another part of me recognises the need to be supportive and loving of those around me. It recognises that life is hard, and complicated and that exerting emotional frustration will not change people or their opinions or their decisions. The only thing I can change is my own attitude and behaviour. If only I had more of that elusive grace! The grace I see in other friends, the grace I read about and hear about and pray for and long for. My heart and my spirit are wild and demanding and hungry; my mind, constantly reigning me back, soothing with reasoning. 

It's...exhausting! Thank heaven for God's grace. And chocolate.