...and its making me miserable!!
To be fair, he doesn't need to lose any weight at all. When we started dating he had an affinity for rubbish take-away kebabs (if you've not lived in England, you can't truly appreciate how awful these things are) and beer. Classic bachelor. I moved in, and we started eating healthier, balanced meals and drinking less, though the lure of Nando's Portuguese rolls with Peri Peri chicken breast, peri-seasoned fries and peri-naise (plus a side of South African Savannah Cider) proved too tempting once a week. Yes folks, once a week. Shameful and wonderful in one sitting. I digress.
About a year before our wedding - the ceremony, not the legal one - James started running with me. I've been running for approximately 11 years and it took James a few months to get comfortable with the idea of running, a few more months to learn how to run and very little time to be able to run alongside me on the 8mile jaunts. Running really transformed his shape and to be perfectly honest, I think it continues to do wonders for his self-esteem. He's finally getting the runner's high. And while I do so love to run with him - its our time to really connect, whether we are just encouraging one another, chatting freely or discussing an important issue - I'm finding that a rather nasty character has decided to make its presence known. My jealousy. I am so ridiculously jealous of James' progress this summer. His level of fitness, his ease and confidence, and the lovely changes to his body as a result, are enough to send me into a frenzy. And I'm not referring to the maritally appropriate kind. A frenzy of jealousy.
He has to slow his pace for me.
He has to take walking breaks for me (and belly).
He is losing weight, increasing fitness, and gaining confidence while I get bigger and more uncomfortable (and my wardrobe options shrink and with them, my confidence).
To rub salt - the gritty sea-salt kind - into the wound, my husband's training in the police is exciting, interesting and will further his career. I spend my days cleaning, worrying about moving arrangements, doing groceries and generally fretting. I see James leaping forward in his life while I potter about domestically, the validity of which does not escape me, but is not something I'm familiar with. Its always been something that got done in addition to work and other activities. House hold chores, to-do lists, moving arrangements, purchasing furniture and endless phone calls and emails in preparation have now become a full time job. Its valid, its necessary, but I'd much rather be training to shoot a gun, or learning to roll an assailant off my back. In uniform.
Everytime my husband takes off his shirt to shower or change for bed, and I see his new defined abdomen, I get a tiny bit more jealous. And reach for a piece of chocolate. Or a biscuit. I have got to find my domestic mojo, and it needs to be done quickly! It's an amplification of a personality trait I've always possessed and presume to never be without. The need to achieve. So yes, this ungrateful heart is feeling particularly jealous at the moment.
By God's grace, my jealousy is good-natured and I'm filled with love for James which allows me to be genuinely happy for him. Though, I have started making a list of post-pregnancy activities I intend to take up. Martial arts of sort to satisfy my rough and tumble nature and fencing, for my desire for precision, athleticism and fancy. In the interim, I suppose I could spend this time learning how to cook, a skill I'm sure my husband would appreciate far more than an Attaque au fer.
Thursday, 30 August 2012
Monday, 20 August 2012
What lies beneath the surface
I thank heaven that we are made up of multiple layers. It's a spectacular way to delve into what is our very essence while allowing us to focus on the other traits and quirks that require maintenance. It means that I can be myself, while constantly working on being better and different. Which is something I really should be doing at this exact moment, rather than blogging about how fortunate I am to be able to do it.
For at this exact moment, my very essence is filled with gratitude and hope and a bit of anxiety. But the other parts of me are simultaneously seething, stressing, self-loathing, and generally being plain old miserable. Yet on the surface, you'd think I was taking these days and changes in my stride. And that is because another part of me recognises the need to be supportive and loving of those around me. It recognises that life is hard, and complicated and that exerting emotional frustration will not change people or their opinions or their decisions. The only thing I can change is my own attitude and behaviour. If only I had more of that elusive grace! The grace I see in other friends, the grace I read about and hear about and pray for and long for. My heart and my spirit are wild and demanding and hungry; my mind, constantly reigning me back, soothing with reasoning.
It's...exhausting! Thank heaven for God's grace. And chocolate.
Thursday, 16 August 2012
Updates and Mandates
The updates:
I am almost 22 weeks pregnant! And its wonderful. Mostly. It was wonderful, and my belly was relatively small, although, this week I seem to be swelling. Daily. Its actually quite bizarre. I am so thankful to my sister-in-law who purchased some wonderful L'occitane Almond Oil for my belly when I hit the 16 week mark. I have been using it religiously. And praying that it will help. It does mean that I walk around smelling of marzipan (and consequently, baking) most of the time. I don't know if affects the senses of others, but thankfully the smell of marzipan does not cause me to feel nauseas in any way. Unfortunately, it does not taste of marzipan. Yes, I tried. Don't laugh, you would've too!
James started his new job this week. And he looks amazing in his new uniform. I hope not to cause any offense to the GMP, but this uniform is much sharper - and quite a bit more intimidating. I've never thought of myself as a lady that loved a uniform, but it would seem I was mistaken. RAWR.
(I apologise that the posts are becoming more basic. My brain is not functioning the way it used to and writing eloquently and interestingly will have to be rest on the backburner until after the baby is born, or I have less to do).
I am so pleased for him to have this opportunity and I am so proud of him for waiting patiently and preparing diligently for this role. Our expectations were dashed on more than one occasion but I have learned so much from the way he graciously handled every setback. In 2 weeks, he will be leaving for his studies at college and I am dreading the evenings on my own. Fortunately, James can come home on weekends, but it has been almost 2 years since he was in a unit in Manchester that caused me to spend evenings alone.
The mandates:
I am working hard to prepare myself emotionally for the separation that is upon us. While it is only for 3 months, I know that I'm going to struggle, but feel its imperative that I support James while he is away. Surely, he will miss spending time with me. He is so kind-hearted that he could possibly spend more time feeling concerned and guilty over leaving me alone, than he would do studying. This will not do.
Once he is away, I am going to throw myself into plans and projects to turn our new house into a home. I am going to excercise daily so that I feel good and healthy (and look good for his visits too!) and I am going to spend a whole lot more time reading. reading. I am really looking forward to reading my Bible, the Mark of the Lion series, The Voyager series and rereading the excellent Bringing Up Bebe that I've mentioned before in my baby blog.
An exciting time in store, but change does not come without its own challenges. Although I'd really like an easy few months with my husband before the baby arrives, I'm very thankful for the opportunities we have right now. Onwards and upwards!
I am almost 22 weeks pregnant! And its wonderful. Mostly. It was wonderful, and my belly was relatively small, although, this week I seem to be swelling. Daily. Its actually quite bizarre. I am so thankful to my sister-in-law who purchased some wonderful L'occitane Almond Oil for my belly when I hit the 16 week mark. I have been using it religiously. And praying that it will help. It does mean that I walk around smelling of marzipan (and consequently, baking) most of the time. I don't know if affects the senses of others, but thankfully the smell of marzipan does not cause me to feel nauseas in any way. Unfortunately, it does not taste of marzipan. Yes, I tried. Don't laugh, you would've too!
James started his new job this week. And he looks amazing in his new uniform. I hope not to cause any offense to the GMP, but this uniform is much sharper - and quite a bit more intimidating. I've never thought of myself as a lady that loved a uniform, but it would seem I was mistaken. RAWR.
(I apologise that the posts are becoming more basic. My brain is not functioning the way it used to and writing eloquently and interestingly will have to be rest on the backburner until after the baby is born, or I have less to do).
I am so pleased for him to have this opportunity and I am so proud of him for waiting patiently and preparing diligently for this role. Our expectations were dashed on more than one occasion but I have learned so much from the way he graciously handled every setback. In 2 weeks, he will be leaving for his studies at college and I am dreading the evenings on my own. Fortunately, James can come home on weekends, but it has been almost 2 years since he was in a unit in Manchester that caused me to spend evenings alone.
The mandates:
I am working hard to prepare myself emotionally for the separation that is upon us. While it is only for 3 months, I know that I'm going to struggle, but feel its imperative that I support James while he is away. Surely, he will miss spending time with me. He is so kind-hearted that he could possibly spend more time feeling concerned and guilty over leaving me alone, than he would do studying. This will not do.
Once he is away, I am going to throw myself into plans and projects to turn our new house into a home. I am going to excercise daily so that I feel good and healthy (and look good for his visits too!) and I am going to spend a whole lot more time reading. reading. I am really looking forward to reading my Bible, the Mark of the Lion series, The Voyager series and rereading the excellent Bringing Up Bebe that I've mentioned before in my baby blog.
An exciting time in store, but change does not come without its own challenges. Although I'd really like an easy few months with my husband before the baby arrives, I'm very thankful for the opportunities we have right now. Onwards and upwards!
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