Its strange to grieve an unconventional death. The death of a relationship. Its stranger yet to be sitting here analysing it. But since I process my thoughts and feelings by speaking them out loud or writing them down, I'm hoping this blog will assist me in making this big messy emotional thing simpler, defined and therefore manageable.
My husband and I are moving forward in our lives. We are on the cusp of finding our own home and he continues his career as a police officer, albeit in a new country, at the end of the summer. The process of waiting has taught us much. We have had a very stretching 10 months but have learned that we are in fact, excellently matched and wonderfully supportive of each other. We get it. We have learned the value of friendship and generosity and time and money.
(I speak plainly, but to clarify - we haven't left a lifestyle of frivolous spending and poor financial decisions, but have learned in this time without money, what we value most and what our money will be spend on in the future.)
We have learned the importance of seeking out time to communicate with those in our lives and as a result, have learned that not all relationships were made to stand life's changes. Accepting this lesson is something we're still working on.
And I have learned that regardless of my fears and anxieties and impatience, God loves us continually and will always provide for us. He gave me strength to support my husband emotionally when our plans were dashed not once, but twice. He gave me peace that our future was in His hands and that it was good. He gave me faith in His love and His kindness to push fear out of my heart. And He's still blessing me with wisdom - tiny little snippets of it as I learn many of life's lessons the hard way - the kicking and stomping and having a tantrum way. I have yet to learn grace, it can hold for the moment.
As we glean wisdom from our relationships and our priorities are amidst change, I have realised that I am mature enough to start making some difficult decisions. A decision to grieve the loss of a relationship rather than continue to fight for it. The relationship still exists, but it does not resemble what it used to be. It does not present what I need it to and I can no longer try and force it to develop. I have given up. The decision leaves me heartbroken. Not because I feel it is wrong, but because it is not the outcome I had so hoped for. We are at a stalemate and I have decided to give up, rather than stubbornly stand my ground, waiting for the other to give in. It is more complicated than I present it to be, but the details aren't necessary. I feel that its the only recourse to safeguard what is left of the relationship, my sanity (and my husband's) and my emotional well being.
Grieving the loss of this relationship is a necessity. It is the only way to let go of what was and what should be. I am heartbroken, and will be for some time. But the heartache will heal and a comfortable, albeit removed, relationship will emerge.
It will be better than none and it will be healthier than it is now.
Hmm, you’ve expressed your feelings so eloquently, I actually feel for you. A bit unfairly so I suppose, since I do not know anything about the relationship and what the other person’s views are/were. Interestingly enough, you mention “what was and what should be” Tamsin, you seem like a God fearing darling young woman, but I urge you to be very careful of expecting others to conform to what one expects. Don’t forget, as you are maturing and changing, so are other people and so do relationships. One of the things that you can count on in life is that there will be change. People, relationships, jobs, weather, wealth, everything. And that is a good thing. All this to say, you don’t have to mourn. You can embrace the new and developing relationship with as much love and enthusiasm as you did the old one. It’s only different, not dead.
ReplyDeleteHaving more years behind me than ahead, I have to agree with the previous post to some degree. Abby has a point in that all things change. I would recommend that you rethink the idea of having a comfortable but removed relationship, it does not have to be one or the other, and please do not waste a precious moment. Maybe you’ve matured beyond your friend and he/she will catch up, or vice versa. The important thing is to never lose sight of the fundamental thing that made you love your friend in the first place. Look for the good things in your friend, look for the positive things in the changes and love your friend generously. Tamsin my dear, keep an open heart and God will continue to pour Himself into you.
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