Actions v Intentions

I woke up, the day of my 25th birthday and felt older, no less wiser, yet, more responsible than I had the day before. I woke up knowing that my life was to be different from that day forward. Not in a theatrical sense, nor in a sense of futuristic knowing, however, there was an absolute certainty that I had no longer the luxury of excuses, nor the safety of ignorance. My future was my own and I had a lot of growing up to do.

A few months shy of my 28th birthday, I feel more experienced, yet wisdom remains elusive. And to be perfectly honest, I'm starting to feel a bit worn down.

I am aware that after living and learning through many challenges recently, I should feel proud and encouraged. I've in essence become an adult in 2 and a half years. My lack of wisdom and lack of maturity, perhaps more evident to me than it was before, in itself is a sign of maturity. Though the ability to be, what I'm expected to be, seems an impossible task.

These expectations I place on myself, derived from society and upbringing and lessons learned. The difficulty is in the fulfillment. It is daily. And it is costly.

I know what is required, but simply cannot make myself be a good wife. A good daughter. A good sister. A good friend. A good Christian. The requirements of communication and sensitivity and emotional investment and time while balancing each with the other and still finding time to develop as an individual is too great. For me. For some bizarre reason. I have friends and family that manage successfully. (?) Although, a part of me does wonder if sacrifice is required. One relationship for the success of another? I have been "advised" to prioritise. This is simply not possible. The needs in each relationship are diverse but all equally valid.

I feel exhausted. Stretched too far. With no results. There has to be a fault somewhere. I am lacking some knowledge, or some (aha) wisdom that will enable me to perform as expected and find peace in knowing I've fulfilled the expectations.

The expectations seem overwhelming but are quite straight forward: to love as I have been loved. To have my actions match my feeling for my friends and family. Why does it not? I endeavour to find answers.


But tonight?

Tonight I rest.