Lists

I write this blog with an eye on the clock. Considering everything that I must do and that I want to do, settling on writing this - as it happens to fit under both categories, thus allowing me to cross an item off both lists. Efficient no?

We seem to be firmly placed in a rut. Caught up the daily routine. The list (my husband hates my lists) is never ending. We follow the routine in order to feel like we can carry on with life. Yet, when we diverge from the routine of sleep, cleaning,  laundry, budgeting, work, running, groceries, cooking, (the list goes on) we feel harried and tired.

Our options seem thus: be productive, feel in control, stick to the list and be tired but with peace of mind or consider the list loosely, do what must, allow for spontaneity and be tired but also anxious. Yes, there is anxiety when we have not done what we set out to do.

This weekend, I booked 3 days off work to celebrate my birthday. (The awfulness of turning 28 is another blog waiting to be written). My idea of celebration involved sleeping in an extra 2hrs, running unhurriedly, and having time to write blogs and emails while still working through the daily routine. We diverged from the plan on day 1 and I can now feel the low burn of anxiety because of unwashed floors, sleeping in too late, skipping a planned a run, watching too much tv and drinking caffeine with abandon.

I know what you all will be thinking. That I am caught up with being in control, neat and tidy. Its not true, entirely. I keep thinking that if I can just manage to get on top of the list, I can relax in peace. I can have fun with a clear conscience. I cannot fully relax in a messy house. I cannot spend the day wantonly reading or watching films when the budget hasn't been tackled, the laundry hasn't been washed and the groceries for the evening meal not purchased. I cannot fully relax until after the list has been completed. It just seems that the list is never quite done.

I digress. We find ourselves caught. Functioning as required, with the "living" bit being left until we have time. Living requires money. Living requires time. Spare time. The formula seems simple to me. In order to have money and time, one must live responsibly, in preparation for the future. Well, the majority of us anyhow. Neither my husband nor I work in finance, we do not have connections to put us in preferential positions. We are the low flyers. Fighting and clawing and sweating to keep our heads above water and hopefully be recognised for upward movement in the future. Thus, we live responsibly, doing what must in the hope that in the future we can balance what must with what is desired.

Weekends away, dinner out, date night, shows/plays involve money or time and presently, they are in equal short supply. Hence, the rut. Ah, the solution surely is "balance". Life must have balance, relationships require balance, et al. In order to have balance, something from the present state will have to be sacrificed. And therein lies the problem. My husband and I have looked into the face of this before, and have decided to deal with it when we have more time. It is inked on the long-term to-do list.

So this is Christmas?

A glowing tree.

Stuffed stockings.

The Christmas Eve menu boasting on the fridge.

Family. (Of all descriptions)

Roaring fire.

Noise.

Frigid winds outside.

Leafless trees.

Layers of clothing.

The smell of cinnamon.

Carols.

Laughter.

Christmas movies.

Hopefully reading this list fills you heart with warmth. Even writing it has brightened my disposition. But there is a stirring of unease that mingles with the joys of the anticipated Christmas eve. Even in our greatest pleasures, there is still suffering. To our left or our right. A family member, a friend. Hardships, bad luck and consequences of poor choices do not pay tribute to "the festive season".

Perhaps the importance of ultimately enjoying Christmas in its entirety is to recognise, solemnly, the gifts we truly have. I am not enducing guilt by referring to the starving peoples of Africa, nor to the countless Americans who have lost their homes and belongings in this ravaging Tornado season. I would hope that most people do already give thought to these unfortunates and their difficult circumstances, that it instills instant gratitude and gives cause for prayer.

I am referring to the lonely friends, the divorced parents, the depressed family members, or workers who have been retrenched and are still unable to find work. I am referring to the homeless in our cities (despite the enormous wealth of our Western world), the grieving and the lonely and hopeless people we surely know.

For  me, this Christmas is a time to be open and unyielding in thanks for a home, a job, excellent health, a husband (who really really loves me), and a chance to bring together a family bitterly split for 3 years past. It is a time to give thanks to God for His unending love, everlasting faithfulness and utter wisdom in mapping out our lives. To seek wisdom in the hardships we're enduring, being thankful that we do not endure them alone. To find joy in giving. Real joy. Without complaints and without resentment. To be blessed by blessing others. And all these things are a cause for prayer. For the cliche of our lives representing a tiny speck is true, our lives and our hardships as insignificant to others as theirs have become to us. So give thanks. And do so sincerely.

This year, my Christmas will not be easy and it will not be smooth. But how blessed I am to have it be as near to perfect as my life allows.

May God bless you today and all your days with gratitude. For in our gratitude to Him, we find joy and peace.

The thing about friendship....

is this: you can't always get what you want. Or is that the thing about life? I can't deliberate on life at 10 o'clock in the morning so we'll stick to friendship.

I've always been fiercely sanctimonious about being a friend. A friend is a friend for life. Friendship is not a matter of convenience. And all that jazz. I'm sure you can assume that my friends are few. I do count them as quality friendships though. I have entertained the idea of being socially free and light hearted, but it just does not suit my personality. Of course I would like to have more casual acquaintances, but I'm mostly too unlikeable to be tolerated by casual friends. Therefore I focus on my foundation friendships. The sanctimony served me well. Until I found myself on the wrong end of the soap box - the bottom that is. I can vividly recall occasions when I have let good friends down. Some recently, some many many years ago. It still grieves me. Mostly because these women are still my friends, despite my selfishness at the time.

For this I am grateful. Muchly.

Back to the thing.

As people mature and their lives take different directions, it is expected that friendships will stretch taut and then ease up again as interests or location or life experiences change. Elastic in nature, the constant stretching and relaxing of a friendship can sting if stretched so far it snaps. With so many variables involved, it really is a marvel that some friendships do last a lifetime. So how do we get what we want out of friendship?

My newest revelation is to relax the expectations so as to allow the variables to stretch the friendship without additional strain.  Difficult to action. But I am determined to attempt it.

This blog's purpose is to honour my friends who have allowed me to stand on my soap box to my hearts content and love me despite it. And this softness I'm feeling today has left me longing for the company of some of my very good lady friends.
Lorraine, the ultimate running buddy - who's stubbornness matches my own but kindness abounds, and also 1 in 3 people who actually put up with my incessant complaining during a workout. (yes, I have had people run ahead just to avoid it)

Vanessa, my dearest friend who's life advanced while mine stood still. Who loved me though I failed to celebrate her wedding properly due to my egocentricity. Yet, she travelled across the Atlantic, leaving her children at home, to be my maid of honour. I was the one who was honoured V. This woman and I passed like ships in the night as I travelled back to Canada while she moved to Africa.

Sarah, one of  the most selfless women I know. The best shopping partner that never complains as we trawl through store to store. Easy going to a fault. And infinitely kind.

And Monisha, stubborn, outspoken, uncompromising, loud and unflinchingly generous and still, just a wonderful friend of mine.

Kate, my childhood friend who I miss dearly. Continents and oceans separate us, but we connect as if we've always only lived cities apart.

If I had a birthday party, the attendee list would be small. But it would be filled in the richness of friendship. I do count myself blessed.